My mother is Italian, and I come from a loving, high energy and very effusive family. No emotions on lockdown when I was growing up, (nothing has changed in that). Open expressions of love and feelings were never prohibited, and I’ll say with amusement that my energetically open, affectionate and readily communicative style of living was definitely something for my sweet husband to adjust to. But despite having grown up with such love and depth, I wasn’t prepared for the beyond intense, past all consuming feeling that is being a mom.
I don’t think anything, or anyone, can actually prepare you for the insanely, crazily beautiful, soul devouring, [...]
I’ve been through my fair share of struggles. I’m not someone who has always had a voice or had the strength to talk about my struggles.
For over a decade I suffered in silence of fear that I was weird and too different, that I was a freak and someone who had a “problem.” Yes, I suppose I do have a problem. I struggle daily with crippling anxiety and depression.
I don’t struggle in just the winter or just when I’ve had a “rough” day. I struggle to sometimes know my purpose. I struggle to know why God put me on this planet. I wonder who would miss me if I was gone. This isn’t a “normal” way to live and to be completely honest it’s awful.
When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, my husband had just started medical school. We had just gotten married and moved, and BAM. We weren’t planning on having babies until a little further down the road, but hey, God’s plan is better than mine. I was a twenty-three-year-old newlywed looking for a job. I wanted to put my BioSci degree to use. Actually, I felt like I had to put it to use. I owed that to my parents who were still paying off my student loans (God bless them for that). Then I got my first big girl job as an insurance agent. I would commute to a town thirty minutes away to sell health insurance while my husband was in school during the day. Salary + [...]